i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
