I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
