i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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