Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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