literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
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I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
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Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother