but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.