You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
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If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
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Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
i've created a new STD.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?