oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.