My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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