if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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