Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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