You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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