Porn is love you can see.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
