His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
