hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
