FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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