So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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