I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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