It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
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She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
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I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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