How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
