I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
