as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
