I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
