I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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