You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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