I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You have to summon your inner elephant
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
