you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
