saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Randomize
