I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
