I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Randomize
