im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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