The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize