Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
