A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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