How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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