All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
