i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now