Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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