My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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