some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
