How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
