I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. đź’€
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
