New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
