when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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