There is no way he is gay with that hair.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
