did you get engaged???
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's shark week go big or go home
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
