Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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