I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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