I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
