she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
All the doctor said was why
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
