He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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