You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I use my feet as sexual weapons
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
