I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
