woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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