My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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