so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
