I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
