come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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