I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
