I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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