Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
