so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
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I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
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Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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