I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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