Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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